Pardon Me

In response to allegations that the Presidents recent pardons are arbitrary and capricious, the White House today announced a process to allow people who have been convicted to apply for a Presidential Pardon.  Following is the content of the questionnaire.  A yes answer earns the points assigned to it.

  1. Are you a white male?___(10 points)
  2. Are you famous?___(10 points)
  3. Do you think the recent presidential impeachment was a hoax?___(10 points)
  4. Do you hate socialism?___(10 points)
  5. Have you stayed overnight in a Trump owned facility?___(10 points)
  6. Do you know stuff that, if disclosed, would be embarrassing to the President?___(20 points)
  7. Has the President commented that he thinks you’ve been treated unfairly?___(30 Points)

Key:  90-100 points—pardon likely.  70-90 points—Referral to Bill Barr for a reduced sentence.

Below 70—furgettaboutit

Send with name, address, and a brief statement about your conviction and why it is unfair to:  Pardon Me Please, White House, Washington D.C.  Enclose a $300,000 check to Donald J. Trump re-election campaign.  Extra bonus points for more.

Given the slate of recent pardons and sentence reduction recommendations, defense attorneys in America are lining up for equal treatment—particularly those who represent black and brown low-level drug offenders currently serving harsh sentences.  Prosecutors and judges throughout the land are complaining that sentencing recommendations that are within guidelines mean nothing if they can be commuted on a presidential whim.  Trump boasts that he is the chief law enforcement officer and has the power to do whatever he wants, including pardoning his friends and those who he says have been treated unfairly—particularly if they lean right and kiss his ass.

So, pardon me, what about those black and brown low-level nonviolent drug offenders serving long sentences?  Will they get the same treatment?  Furgettaboutit.


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