RU worried about the Iran nuclear deal pull out? The threat of North Korea pulling out of talks with the current administration? RU worried about climate change? Meteors hitting the globe? Ebola? Terrorists? School shooters? The next downturn in the stock market? A global recession? What FaceBook will do with your data?
As an antidote to these broad and understandable concerns, I propose to divert us by enumerating a list of trivial concerns that, while in and of themselves are not fatal, are nevertheless annoying. Like people who take liberties with the language who abbreviate are you to RU. Let’s begin:
Kim Jong Un’s haircut: Note the close-cropped, almost shaven feature on the sides and the back, topped by what looks like a black helmet of hair on top. In the military we used to call this kind of cut a “white sidewall”—worn by drill instructors, highway patrolmen, and junior high school assistant principals. It’s a unique look, and probably a factor in The Onion’s labeling him as one of the sexiest me alive. (That was satire. North Koreans apparently don’t get satire.)
Donald Trump’s tie length: Speaking of sexy men (satire), have you noticed how the POTUS’s ties dangle below the belt covering his you know what? Maybe it’s his version of the codpiece, a covering around men’s scrotums that was popular in the middle ages, and now apparently popular with heavy metal bands. If he means it as a codpiece, however, it is a poor excuse for one as it is not tied down to his crotch and it keeps flapping in the wind.
Trump’s favorite phrases: “We’ll see what happens”. Translation: It will happen. I once had a friend who was fond of saying: “It will either happen or it won’t.” That pretty much covered the possibilities. Trump’s “We’ll see what happens” covers most possibilities as well because typically something will happen. Also another favorite: “Many people are upset”, meaning my friends over at Fox News tell me that people are upset. Finally: “Fake news”, meaning anything negative about me being reported by the mainstream press.
Batter’s gloves Velcro: Pitcher throws a pitch STRIKE ONE! Batter steps out and undoes, then re-sets his gloves with the Velcro at his wrists. Batter steps in, hits the plate with his bat, shoulders it, and looks ready for next pitch. Pitcher steps off, umpire calls TIME! Batter steps out, re-does the Velcro, etc. Repeat sequence. You have time to take a leak, buy a beer and a brat, and they will still be doing this dance when you return to your seat. And it’s only the first inning.
Ask Your Doctor About drug commercials: People dancing on the beach. People riding bikes. Couples in separate bath tubs overlooking the mountains (where is this anyway, and how do they get it on like that?). Seek immediate medical attention if any one of two dozen symptoms occur (could lead to death). And don’t forget to ask your doctor about _____. While you’re at it ask him how much it costs, whether it is covered by your insurance, and whether or not he gets a kick back.
Truck commercials: Deep voiced uber male espouses the virtues of this that or another truck made of aluminum, steel, and testosterone. Hurry in while the sale is still on (it is never off), and take advantage of the discount off of MSRP. Then you’ll be just in time to tie a log chain to that wagon load of cinder blocks, and pull them up the hill. Commercial ends with emblem crashing to the ground cracking the earth. Tough.
Car commercials: Crazy Bob’s auto has just reached a higher level of insanity. Hurry in and get your new unit with all the bells and whistles. Crazy Bob’s discounts won’t last long. Spot ends with a woman, hair flapping in the wind, screaming like a banshee, speeding down a two lane highway next to the sea with no other cars in front or coming her way. Where is this place?
Dalmatians: Why?
Well, there you have it. From haircuts to car commercials, from drug ads to dogs. I could keep going, but you’d soon get bored, if you are not already. Suggest you build on this list with your own trivia/pet peeves, etc.
In the meantime, enjoy the day, that is, unless you are living next to an active volcano, or hear tornado sirens going off. Cheers!
Bad Randall 